Here it is just a few days from Christmas and nothing but blue skies and beautiful weather for riding. Even wearing leathers was almost borderline as there were times when I wished I had left them at home.
Dropped by my usual haunts then made my way out to Surfside to see if any tender things were bothering to catch the rays. Oh yes, there was but that's a different story. On the way back I came in through Lake Jackson which I seldom do because of the idiots out shopping but for some reason I headed that way today. Passing the mall I thought of what Wes had said about passing some cheer along to the old folks in a post he had made on The Virtual Bikers BB so I figured what the fuck. Sticking my arm up and making my way across traffic I pulled into the parking lot.
I never park in parking lots figuring that is what the sidewalks surrounding the places are for, and besides this time of year you'd be a fool to attempt to leave a bike out there. Seeing a Salvation Army women ringing that damn bell like she was cranked out to the max I parked my scoot behind her and asked her to keep an eye out for me as I chained it up. She looked at me kind of strange with glazed eyes but agreed to do it.
Walking in the mall I was hit by a mass of human flesh that I couldn't believe. I don't ever go to the mall this time of year as there are just too many idiots out. Starting to wonder about the wisdom of listening to ol' Wes I pushed and shoved my way into the throng of people looking for some old farts that I could pass some holiday cheer on with.
Finally saw a couple of old timers sitting it out on a bench outside of Sears, guess their women were inside shopping as they smoked their cigars. I sat down and said hello and one asked me if I was nuts for wearing a leather jacket on such a fine day as it was today. Told him nope I had been riding and it felt good on the bike. He then proceeded to tell me what a stupid motherfucker I was to be riding a motorcycle that didn't I know that they were deadly killers. Turns out his son had been killed on Christmas eve when he was riding at age 16. I'm thinking oh joy and muttering under my breath that I'd kill Wes if I could get my hands on him. Muttering a polite fuck you to the old goat I moved on down the mall as the fucker continued to yell at me as I walked away about my killing machine.
Stopping in front of Hastings I spotted an old women sitting there so figured I'd try my luck again at spreading a bit of Wes's holiday joy. I sat down and said hello when to my surprise the lady farted and moved away leaving me awash in her rank fumes. To make matters worse this young babe who had started to sit her fine firm ass down took a whiff, muttered something about asshole bikers and walked off. Well getting up and out of there as fast as I could I wandered about sort of tripping on how the masses would sort of spread out as I walked down the mall. Must have been how ol' Moses must have felt when he spread the Red Sea. Wonder if he was in search of some old farts himself?
I don't give up easy and after all I was already in this mess and needed something to show me that Wes knew what he was talking about. I made it to the bench where everyone was sitting outside the women s bathroom waiting on their ol' ladies to come back out. Well there was this elderly gentleman sitting there so here I went again.Saying "Hello." to which he responded. "Hey sonny you waiting to see the show too?" "What show?" I asked, thinking at least I had someone willing to talk. "Hell sonny, sometimes the women somehow tuck their dresses into their pantyhose and walk out that way! It's a hoot!" He said with a chuckle. I figured what the hell maybe this old fart has something going here. We sat there for awhile giving points out to whoever walked out. Judging on looks, tight ass levis and the like. Hell we were having a ball and there were some fine lookers now and then. Anyway we made some rather not so pleasant comments about one cow that waddled out and her husband was sitting on a bench behind us facing the other way, hell we didn't know we were too busy checking the ladies out. Fucker gets up and finds a security guard and tells them that we're a couple of perverts and we should be removed from the mall. Fucking rent-a-cop proceeded to tell us we would have to leave the mall and if we returned he would have to photograph us for future records. Damn here I was passing on some of Wes's holiday cheer but that fucker didn't want to hear the shit and damned if I didn't attempt to explain.
I said fuck it I'd had about enough holiday cheer to last me another ten years and proceeded to make my way back outside. Thinking to myself that Wes must not have ever tried his holiday cheer bullshit in Texas or he wouldn't have posted what he did. Or else, I thought, he knew this was going to happen and was at home laughing his ass off. Motherfucker!!! I was a bit pissed..being yelled at, farted on and branded a pervert all in one day.
Walked outside in the pleasant mood I was now in and some motherfucker, fatherfucker, goatfucker, chicken rider was putting kids on my scoot and charging the parents $2.00 for a picture. "Motherfucker get that brat off the Black Bitch!" I yelled. This dude was charging for photos and giving out slips of paper with his number and from the looks of his camera it hadn't worked in years much less had any film. What a fucking con. Miss Salvation Army bell ringer still cranked up and ringing her damn bell for all she was worth looked at me and told me "You leave that bike alone that belongs to that nice man there and he gives me half of everything he gets." "Fuck!" I yell. "Happy Holidays my ass!" Chased the wino away sending chunks of sidewalk flying as I pulled the chain smacking the sidewalk as I did from Black Bitch's rear wheel .
Seeing Mr. Sheriff on his parking lot horse start to look interested I give the Black Bitch a couple of kicks and she fired up eager it seemed to be away from it all herself. She had enough citizens touching her for the day. Slamming the tranny in first, grabbing a handful of throttle as I dumped the clutch doing a half donut around the Salvation Army bucket and hit the parking lot. Muttering all the while. "Wait until I see Wes...holiday cheer my ass...he knew this would happen!" Wes my friend and brother, thanks to your wisdom and holiday best wishes I now am reminded of why I stay the fuck away from old people, malls, winos, and citizens who think nothing of putting their brats on my sled and leaving a motherfucking scratch on the damn right tank.
Thanks Wes happy holidays to you...I
don't even want to know what you have planned for New Years..happy trails...maybe around Halloween......maybe.
May not be reused without written permission of author.